The Federal Government Says the Phillie Phanatic is a Bird

The Phillie Phanatic. You know him. You love him. But wtf is he?

We know he was born and raised in the Galapagos Islands. Everyone seems to agree on that.

We know the identity of his mother, Phoebe Phanatic, who visits Citizens Bank Park on special occasions. We know that the Phanatic adores his Phillies and loves to dance. We know that he dislikes opposing baseball teams and despises umpires. We know that he is dangerous with a hot-dog cannon.

But, until now, we have never known exactly what type of creature the Phillie Phanatic is.

Former Phillies executive Bill Giles, who oversaw the organization’s mission to kidnap the mascot, is on record as wanting to capture something “big and fat, green and fuzzy, and undefinable.” The Phanatic’s Wikipedia page describes our fluffy friend as a “green flightless bird.” Wiki’s cited source, however, appears to be nothing more than speculation from a radio host who prefaced his statement with “I don’t know if this is true.”

The official Major League Baseball website provides a biography for the Phanatic which, while providing some detailed information (did you know the Phanatic weighs 300 lbs?), dodges any mention of exactly what variety of flora or fauna the big green guy is.

A Sports Illustrated mini-documentary on the Phanatic, seeking to resolve this very mystery, turned to various Phillies legends for answers: Larry Bowa indicated that the Phanatic is “a green monster from outer space,” Mike Schmidt struggled to define the creature but asserted that the Phanatic “eats bugs,” and Bill Giles again called our friend “undefinable” and “very hard to explain.” Tom Burgoyne, a close friend of the Phanatic, stated in the documentary that he subscribes to the flightless bird theory.

Adding to the confusion are comments from a woman named Bonnie Erickson. Some say she is the “creator” of the Phanatic. We know that can’t be true, of course. The Phanatic was created by Phoebe and his absentee father. But Erickson does seem to know a tremendous amount about the Phanatic’s origins.

One source indicates that Erickson is another proponent of the flightless bird theory. In a recent interview, however, Erickson describes the Phanatic as a “purely fantasy animal.”

Who are we to believe?

Luckily, the federal government has stepped in to settle the matter. In this public record from the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO), under “Mark Information,” a depiction of the Phillie Phanatic is assigned three official Design Search Codes. These codes are designated by the USPTO to construct a searchable database, intended to help individuals determine whether a particular design has already been trademarked.

The feds assigned the following codes to the depiction of the Phillie Phanatic:

03.15.03 – Chickens; Chicks; Hens; Roosters
03.15.24 – Stylized birds
03.15.26 – Costumed birds and those with human attributes

In the eyes of the United States federal government, the Phillie Phanatic is a bird.

…

Yeah, I don’t buy it either.