The official 2024 NFL Draft Name Guide

Happy NFL Draft week.

There are 1,967 prospects in this year’s iteration of Dane Brugler’s voluminous, essential Beast.

Here are the best 212.

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Worst amusement park

1. Marshawn Kneeland, Edge, Western Michigan

Best explanation of humans from one domestic animal to another

1. Dell Pettus, S, Troy

Least useful generic stand-in for the real thing

7. Jack Plummer, QB, Louisville

6. Jack Whyte, TE, Western Illinois

5. Edwin Reed, WR, Mount Union

4. Jaydon Brunson, S, Grambling

3. Geo Washington, RB, Ashland

2. Ali Mohamed, RB, Bemidji State

1. Ben Frank, G, Akron

Most upside

1. Max Tooley, LB, BYU

Most apt description of knowing the difference between Phylicia and McCants

1. Rashad Wisdom, safety, UT-San Antonio

Most correct

1. Max Wright, tight end, Texas A&M

Worst Director of Human Resources

2. Hyrin White, T, SMU

1. Ty Cobb, G, Bemidji State

Most likely to get a Beatles song stuck in your head

1. Yvandy Rigby, LB, Temple

Most likely to come from an uncreative family

2. Monty Montgomery, LB, Ole Miss

1. Steve Stephens IV, S, Oregon

Most likely to be snuck onto Joe Douglas’ draft board when no one is looking

3. Jett Bush, LB, Texas

2. Jett Johnson, LB, Mississippi State 

1. Robert Kennedy, CB, NC State

Most likely to make your four-year-old laugh

3. Michael Penix Jr., QB, Washington

2. Darran Butts, RB, Hampton

1. Boobie Curry, WR, Buffalo

Least impressive Michael Jordan grudge

1. Biron Rossell, T, Louisiana Tech

Most comfortable alone

2. Solo Turner, S, Illinois

1. Colson Yankoff, TE, UCLA

Best place to visit in Europe

1. McCallan Castles, TE, Tennessee

Creepiest thing to hear from your co-worker Jacob

1. Jacob Likes, G, Memphis

Best anthropomorphic being to encounter while tripping

6. Matthew Hayball, P, Vanderbilt

5. Kool-Aid McKinstry, CB, Alabama

4. Fish McWilliams, DT, UAB

3. Te’Cory Couch, CB, Miami

2. Kenneth Horsey, T, Kentucky

1. Miqueal Pillow-Smiley, Edge, Virginia State

Most likely to appear in The Torment Nexus

23. Jahsen Wint, S, Marshall

22. Geor’quarius Spivey, TE, Mississippi State

21. Sam Wiglusz, WR, Ohio

20. Antavious Willis, RB, Southern Miss

19. Zack Annexstad, QB, Illinois State

18. D’Ago Hunter, RB, Towson

17. Shedro Louis, RB, Tulane

16. Aljareek Malry, S, Ball State

15. Foday Jalloh, LB, Lamar

14. David Nwaogwugwu, T, Toledo

13. TD Ayo-Durojaiye, RB, Villanova

12. Nazar Bombata, RB, Arizona

11. Jamree Kromah, Edge, James Madison

10. Soujah Gasu, RB, Idaho State

9. Davotrick Dotrey, S, Texas A&M-Commerce

8. Nouredin Nouili, G, Nebraska

7. Jarius Reimonenq, S, James Madison

6. C’Bo Flemister, RB, Pittsburgh

5. Krikour Koustanian, G, Northern Arizona

4. Kendrioun Boatman, T, Belhaven

3. Darfnell Gouin, WR, Sioux Falls

2. X’Zauvea Gadlin, G, Liberty

1. Dezmin Lyburtus, WR, Ashland

Most likely to share an agent with Tommy DeVito

6. Dominic Roberto, RB, Furman

5. Salvatore Lupoli, WR, Bentley

4. Dominic Gicinto, WR, UNLV

3. Jojo Marinella, WR, Randolph-Macon

2. Gino Campiotti, Edge, Massachusetts

1. Rocky Lombardi, QB, Northern Illinois

Best Dr. Seuss characters

15. Tykee Ogle-Kellogg, WR, UT-San Antonio

14. Anthony Queeley, WR, Georgia Southern

13. Juwon Farri, RB, Eastern Illinois

12. Patrick Shegog, QB, Delta State

11 Ajou Ajou, WR, Garden City

10. Gabe Jeudy-Lally, CB, Tennessee

9. Braden Wingle, QB, Fort Lewis

8. Bub Means, WR, Pittsburgh

7. Gardy Paul, DT, Austin Peay

6. Bula Schmidt, C, UCF

5. Tyrek Funderburk, CB, Appalachian State

4. Braxton Plunk, QB, Mount Union

3. Sam Schnee, WR, Northern Iowa

2. Chester Baah, G, Tulsa

1. Loobert Denelus, Edge, Benedict

Worst co-worker to share a cubicle with

3. Alec Holler, Edge, UCF

2. Eddie Ogle, WR, Liberty

1. D.J. Twitty, RB, South Carolina

Most evocative sentences

8. Keaton Bills, G, Utah

7. Isaac Peppers, LB, Jackson State

6. Colby Suits, QB, Houston Christian

5. Jasper Parks, T, Charlotte

4. DJ Irons, QB, Akron

3. Fred Flavors, CB, Samford

2. Nolan Grooms, QB, Yale

1. Jackson Powers-Johnson, C, Oregon

Most likely answer when you’re on Ayahuasca and you ask the caveman you let sleep over how he slept

1. Aaron Bedgood, WR, Liberty

Best undersized prospect

4. Thomas Little, RB, Illinois College

3. Jabari Small, RB, Tennessee

2. Peewee Jarrett, QB, West Florida

1. Dominick Puni, G, Kansas

Funniest prospects to imagine as their more famous namesake

5. Reggie Brown, WR, James Madison

4. Malik Jackson, RB, Jacksonville State

3. Eddie Lewis, WR, South Carolina

2. David Robinson, WR, Nicholls State

1. George Steele, CB, Northern Arizona

Court case Subway least wants you to remember

1. Jared Verse, Edge, Florida State

Most lyrical

15. Kyle Hergel, G, Boston College

14. Mason Tipton, WR, Yale

13. Jonah Kahahawai-Welch, LB, Hawaii

12. Swayze Bozeman, LB, Southern Miss

11. Hayden Hatten, WR, Idaho

10. Jaden Shirden, RB, Monmouth 

9. Jeff Undercuffler, QB, Akron

8. Aeneas Dennis, QB, Benedict

7. Taki Taimani, DT, Oregon

6. Ayodele Adeoye, LB, Incarnate Word

5. Oliver Jervis, G, Colorado State

4. Tahir Annoor, CB, Tulane

3. Olalere Oladipo, Edge, Ferris State

2. Nash Fouch, S, Montana

1. Ahmad Assad, G, Bryant

Most fulfilling text to send quickly to your friend who had a bad breakup in high school with Andrew Theo, who you just ran into

1. Andrew Theobald, T, Northwest Missouri State

Most likely to still refer to quarterback rating

1. Rusty Staats, C, Texas Tech

Most destined to be your college weed dealer

5. Isaac Erbes, G, South Dakota

4. Prince Pines, G, Tulane

3. Anim Dankwah, T, Howard

2. Smoke Harris, WR, Louisiana Tech

1. Trey Potts, RB, Penn State

Best description of a wonderstrike

1. Joaquin Collazo II, QB, Bethel

Worst person on your staff

1. Thomas Yassmin, TE, Utah

Best at praying

1. Kenny Churchwell III, S, UCLA

Most obviously a character in a book with Fabio on the cover

14. Kwatrivous Johnson, G, Mississippi State

13. Heron Maurisseau, WR, New Hampshire

12. Marcus Rosemy-Jacksaint, WR, Georgia

11. Quindrellin Hammonds, S, Army

10. Earnest Crownover, RB, Texas A&M

9. Marcus Fulcher, RB, Sacramento State

8. Darian Oxendine, WR, Florida A&M

7. Kam Pedescleaux, CB, Tulane

6. Xavion Steele, CB, Utah State

5. Cedarious Barfield, S, San Diego State

4. Corintheus Edmonds, WR, Fort Valley State

3. Jake L’Heureux, WR, Edinboro

2. Antwan Squire, RB, Pittsburg State

1. Cooper DeVeau, S, Brown

Worst vacation

1. Dallas Holliday, G, Portland State

Worst pitch for a 90s TV show

4. Major Dedmond, S, Ferris State

3. Stanley Mentor, DT, Florida A&M

2. Judge Culpepper, DT, Toledo

1. Justice Dingle, Edge, Kentucky

Best nickname for your friend who buys an oat milk latte every morning

1. Richie Coffey, S, Mercer

Most likely to be involved in a political scandal

11. Florian Bierbaumer, Edge, International Player Pathway

10. Tyler Silverstrand, T, Judson

9. Jalen Coker, WR, Holy Cross

8. JD Bertrand, LB, Notre Dame

7. Damion Charity, CB, Ball State

6. Harry Van Dyne, WR, Indiana State

5. Andrew Van Buren, Edge, Portland State

4. Tip Reiman, TE, Illinois

3. Arland Bruce IV, WR, Oklahoma State

2. Kyle Klink, Edge, McNeese State

1. Woo Governor, CB, Northern Iowa

Most likely to welcome you for inner

1. Jason Maitre, CB, Wisconsin

Most likely to be mistaken for John Doe

1. Jay Person, Edge, Chattanooga

Most likely to be tan

3. Kendarin Ray, S, Tulsa

2. Kahtero Summers, WR, Rhode Island

1. Michael Shanahan, T, Western Michigan 

Most delicious

5. Jason Bean, QB, Kansas

4. Brenden Rice, WR, USC

3. Ulumoo Ale, DT, Washington

2. Jai Roe, S, Long Island

1. Tanor Bortolini, C, Wisconsin

Most likely to anger John Wilkes Booth

1. Lincoln Victor, WR, Washington State

Most obviously Artificial Intelligence

1. Re-al Mitchell, WR, San Diego

Best thing to hear when trying on your wedding dress after getting engaged to Quentin

1. Quentin Wilfawn, LB, South Alabama

Most likely to be Michael’s son

1. Mike Hall Jr., DT, Ohio State

Most likely response when you ask what the church is made of

1. Christian Mahogany, G, Boston College

Most intimidating name for a debuting wrestler

11. Don Callis, CB, Troy

10. Jeblonski Green Jr., DT, South Carolina State

9. Josh Fleeks, RB, Nebraska

8. Justin Strong, RB, Southern Illinois

7. Julius Wood, S, East Carolina

6. Demetrius Battle, RB, UAB

5. Jalyx Hunt, Edge, Houston Christian

4. Chop Robinson, Edge, Penn State

3. Steele Chambers, LB, Ohio State

2. Pheldarius Payne, Edge, Virginia Tech

1. Hugo Klages, DT, Massachusetts

Most likely to discuss the difference between fries and chips and crisps

6. Londyn Craft, S, Eastern Michigan

5. Ireland Brown, C, Rutgers

4. DJ England-Chisolm, WR, Middle Tennessee State

3. Jesiah Irish, WR, Oregon State

2. British Brooks, RB, North Carolina

1. Ladd McConkey, WR, Georgia

Worst best friend for your kid who eats Play-doh

1. Clay Servin, T, Rice

Painting most likely to be found in suburban Virginia

1. Jesus Gibbs, Edge, Towson 

Worst cult leaders

9. Pat Godbolt, Edge, South Carolina State

8. Ro Elliott, RB, Southern Illinois

7. Messiah Swinson, TE, Arizona State

6. Jadon Janke, WR, South Dakota State

5. Bubba Arslanian, LB, Akron

4. Jaxon Janke, WR, South Dakota State

3. JJ Laap, WR, SUNY Cortland

2. Keni-H Lovely, CB, Western Michigan

1. Gino Appleberry, RB, Chattanooga

Most likely to be in the new animated movie about frogs

2. Jalen Green, Edge, James Madison

1. Ty’Ron Hopper, LB, Missouri

Worst news about your toddler Noah

1. Noah Tumblin, CB, San Diego State

Worst news delivered by Yoda about your friend with hemophobia

1. Andrew Bloodsaw, CB, Clark Atlanta

Least trustworthy

4. Sincere Haynesworth, C, Tulane

3. Leak Bryant, TE, Long Island

2. Level Price Jr., S, Montana State

1. Tell Spies, DT, Nebraska Kearney

Most interesting evening ahead

4. Evan Williams, S, Oregon

3. Tre Weed, CB, Nevada

2. Kavosiey Smoke, RB, Colorado

1. Sam Orji, G, International Player Pathway

Most concise obituary for a police sketch artist

1. Drew Crooks, CB, McKendree